Dramatic Life Changes For Me

It has been quite some time since I have posted to my blog because on November 23, 2010 my life took a sudden, dramatic and shocking change for the worse..in a matter of  seconds, I went from being a loving and caring wife to a widow. Yes, my husband and life's partner suddenly passed away in hospital where I had taken him by ambulance just the previous day. Although there were some health issues, his passing was not expected by any of the doctors or specialists who were treating him. I took little comfort from the specialist word's..."I am so very sorry." but what more can they say. These were words I never expected to hear and definitely not at this time.
I sat by my husband's bedside rubbing his hand and arm for some four hours after his passing in really a state of shock as well as utter and complete disbelief. My husband had health issues for many years and I was his caregiver as well as his wife but never for one moment did I give any thought to him proceeding me in death. Everyone hears the story "the caregiver goes first". Well, that was my thinking and all my affairs had been put in order many years ago with this thought in mind. However, it is not we humans we control our "coming in or going out from" this world.....our Lord God makes that decision.
So, I now find myself here in this big wide world facing it all alone. And it is so empty and oh! so lonely. For 33 years of our almost 42 years of marriage,  because of a life-altering illness, my husband and I were "joined at the hip", where you saw one, you saw the other, never one without the other. It is the "aloneness" that I find so difficult to try to cope with and the feeling of almost total disbelief that this is the way my life shall be until I leave this world. It is not a pleasant feeling, and never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you are close and loving with your partner, and made even more difficult since we didn't have any children and I am "alone"...such a forlorn feeling.
It is the "first" of everything after the passing of a loved one that is so very difficult to try to cope with. Well, since my hubby has been "called home", I have endured so far three first firsts, all within a period of some only five weeks....my husband's birthday, Christmas  and then New Year's. Honestly, I don't think I can do any more at this time, but amazing as it might seems to one who does not have a strong religious faith, I got through all of them. I am not saying any were pleasant or fun-filled..by no means..they were all sad and lonely as I was here in our home with my thoughts, my memories of happier times over our many years together. I have been told on numerous occasions, I am a "strong" person, but even the strongest of us, does have a point beyond which we sometimes find ourselves going and the climb back out of that pit of despair can be a most difficult one and one you will find asking yourself from time to time "why bother". But, that is not the proper attitude for us, for me, to take. Each and every day we are on earth is precious and it is up to us to make our journey a worthwhile one, one not necessarily filled always with joy ..for myself always filled with memories, but one that can be rewarding to our fellow man..and when we feel useful either through volunteer projects aimed at helping others, then we gain a new direction and personally a new purpose, which gives us reason to go on, until our time is called.
That is what I am trying to do now.while at the same time grieving my beloved husband...trying to make sense of my life.
Neither myself nor my beloved were social butterflies, not interested in climbing the social ladder in our small community..but primarily spending our time together during our spring, summer and falls months working in the too many gardens I have now determined I have created over our years, shopping together, travelling a lot in recent years and just enjoying each other's company. My husband was a kind, gentle and caring man who had great compassion and love of  children and those less fortunate. He was great buddies with a young fellow next door who had spina bifida and this young lad and my husband were the best of friends...there was an innocence about both of them that brought them together. Regretfully, our young friend lost his life's battle about 18 months prior to my husband loosing his  and I am hoping they are once again connecting in heaven.
Death is not something to be feared, especially if you are a person of strong faith, as I am...but in spite of my faith, it is cold comfort when I just want to hear my Gordie's voice....one more time.. But alas that shall never be.
I shall continue walking this lonely road of being a widow (my gosh, that is a horrible word) alone....with my strength drawn from God, through whom all things are possible. I am learning there is a great difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". At times, I am experiencing both of these emotions, at others, it is only the aloneness that I mind. But, as crazy as it might sound, I do talk to my Gordie..to his picture..quite often during a day..the night...some will say I have lost my marbles,others with know the comfort it brings, and others will simply wonder.
It is now January 2, 2o11 and  I am starting a new life's journey into this new year...a journey alone with no definite goal in sight. That is what can sometimes be rather disturbing especially for one has always had their future pretty much set out before them as I pretty much did throughout my years, knowing where I was going and how I would get there. But no more...my GPS won't help me on this journey into the unknown.  What surprises will 2011 bring...with they be ones for me to welcome, or to shy away from. They is so much uncertainty...my mind is so cluttered...where do I go next. Just take one day at a time, and try to get through that. No long range plans at the present time, although have friends from Florida, California and Japan, and Morocco  who all want me to travel to visit them in the upcoming year or so.  Do  I have the courage to do so...only time will tell. Will this veil of sorrow lift...will I learn to accept wholehearted my lot in life or will I be buckled under by it, right now I don't know. And I don't know what type of person will be resurrected from these ruins of sorrow and loneliness. I hope I don't become a wallower in my own misery , but so much want to be a contributing member of society in some way. Am retired from the work force, but so many organizations are crying for volunteers, believe that is where I will find my niche.
Please wish me luck in my journey of discovery to find the new but hopefully not too greatly changed Bev......a Bev. who has endured heartache..but has come through this experience stronger, wiser and focused.
Blessings one and all..and wishes for a healthy and blessed new year.
Hopefully, it won't be so long next time between postings.

"Where Nobody Stands Alone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFMBMp5QxQ&feature=related
                                 

                                                                      

Philosophy for Old Age

Would like to share this "Philosophy for Old Age" Power Point with you. I would suggest taking a few moments to watch and to actually digest the words you read. Am only sorry I can't include the beautiful music that is being played throughout. Hopefully in time that too can be accomplished.
While watching, have a feeling you will be wondering as I have been myself..."Why is it when we are young, we are always rushing time to simply get older more quickly...and when we are "older" we want to slow down the quick tick-tock of the clock into a much slower beat".
Time passes far too quickly...I know...I am a senior and days, weeks, months and years are passing much faster than I would like. How to slow it down...one way is to perhaps relax and actually take time to smell the roses.
Here is the link...hope it will open for you.
Enjoy...and always remember to smell the roses, even in the rain and the snow!! Life is precious...treasure it, don't waste one day!!
God Bless....see you again soon.

http://StumpySteve.com/pps/Philosophy_For_Old_Age_-_George_Carlin.pps

(right click & save target as - to your desktop)

Some thoughts..."Heart of Gratitude"

Here it is another weekend...drab and dreary here, with darkening clouds and a few rain splatters from time to time. Kind of a day that makes one think, a little too much perhaps about things, the future and life in general and where are we headed...not only individually but collectively.
Then, in a moment of too-deep thinking, I happened upon the following story. It was not written by me, and from my understanding the author is unknown. If anyone does know who wrote it, I would definitely like to know who should be given the credit...they are truly deserving of it.

Heart of Gratitude

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way." I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it." Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear. The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling. And even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.

   -- Author Unknown

After reading these words, guess you could say I was "brought up short" in my thoughts. Because of circumstances in my life over the past number of months and yes, I can honestly say years, I will be the first to admit that perhaps I have had a bit of a negative attitude of recent.
However, after reading these above words, I realize that no matter how difficult things in life might seem at any particular time, it is the way we chose to look at it, to handle it, to accept and deal with it, - be it in a more positive than negative way- has a great effect upon ourselves. Negative thoughts bring about more negative thoughts and actions, positive thoughts, well, they give you a whole different and better perspective on the matter at hand.
As the saying is, "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."
Smile, Friends, smile....you will be surprised at how good you feel, how better you make life for those around you...and how really small the problems that you felt to be weighing you down in your life, really are.

Until next time...........smile and let the world wonder "what have you been up to"......
                                                   

Autumn Reflections - 2010

                                           

Well, here I am again. Summer is definitely over and autumn is with us, bringing with it shorter days, longer nights and cooling temperatures, as well as Mother Nature's glorious array of colours..the deep crimson reds, the yellows, some deeper in colour than others, depending upon the type of tree, and the always beautiful Halloween colour of orange. Some leaves seem to be hanging on in spite of the winds, the driving rains of late and thankfully no frosts as yet. But, why is it my lawn is looking so dismal with the fallen leaves now turning brown, their fabulous colours having faded away, leaving only work to be done in raking them all up. Perhaps this year, I will be lazy and drive my lawn tractor back and forth over them, mulching them up into ever so small pieces so they can stay on the lawn over winter and have their nutrients go back into the soil to supply nourishment for next year.

Will just share a few pictures with you of trees and shrubs in my own yard. I am lucky in that through blood and sweat over the years, we planted all these trees to enjoy as they grew and matured...now I am reaping the benefits of all that hard work and realizing the marvelous splendor simply by looking out my kitchen window. What more could a nature lover like myself ask for here on our beautiful little Island? 
Guess this will be all for now. Drop in  anytime. Hope we all have a most wonderful autumn season and take the time to actual "look, see and appreciate" the glory of Nature in our presence. 

                                                                                                         

              

                                           

                                    

                                       

                                                                         

                                                                                                             

HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2010, FELLOW CANADIANS

Here we are..October 10, 2010...our Canadian Thanksgiving Sunday. While cooking my turkey on Saturday, so as to cut down on the rush of preparing  Thansgiving dinner after arriving home later than usual from attending my Sunday Thanksgiving church service, as well as  get the gravy made and roasting pan and all other utensils put away, making more room in my kitchen for Sunday....was thinking...

"My gosh, where did the past twelve months go?

Is that a sign of my ever increasing old age, or is it just a matter of life...each year slipping by. Seems the world is moving too quickly at times and I sometimes get the feeling to call out:

"Stop the world, I want to get off".

Alas, such is not possible.

Was just writing cheques for my church envelopes  for the morning and thinking of our local food bank..and with the cooling temperatures, thinking of so many unfortunate souls who find themselves not only homeless but hungry as well. So out comes my pen and cheque book to write another cheque for our local food bank and put a few more cans into the bags I will be taking with me in the morning for our church to give to this bank.

Thanksgiving is definitely the time of year we should take a extra deep look into our own lives and although it is simply a flaw of being human that  we often find ourselves grumbling and complaining about many things that are really of no significance in the big scheme of life..we should take several moments to  give thanks for the many blessings we all do enjoy...the blessings of having food, clothing and shelter (often in more abundance than we really need), surrounded by love of family and friends. These are what I would call our 'personal blessings", but as well for the blessing of our accident of birth to be born in this, our great nation of Canada. Peoples throughout the world are in many instances dying in their attempts to come to our Canadian shores, to be accepted and to begin new lives for themseles and families here with the rest of us who have been born here and who often take our Canadian citizenship for granted.

These were simply some thoughts running through my head at this time, that I would like to share......we must remember always "we are truly our brother's keeper" and try to always live our lives accordingly...looking out for and assisting those in need. May I just say that lack of food, clothing and shelter is sometimes not the "need"..for many it is simply to be accepted into society and to be considered "valuable" as an individual regarless of our many handicaps for I personally believe we are all handicapped in some way or other..in some instances, the handicapped is easily recognized, other times it is not..it is well hidden behind a shield put up as a defensive mechanism.

Do you find yourself with a freezing-on-the-spot fear of snakes, or spiders, of riding elevators, of climbing heights...these are all handicaps, but rarely recognized as is a mental or physical handicap.

Simply trying to say: Give thanks for your blessings always...not just on Thanksgiving Day, but every day of every year that we live on this earth.

Again, wishing a most happy and blessed Thanksgiving to all fellow proud Canadians.

So long for now....and please pop in again whenever the urge hits you

You are most welcome always.

Welcome to my Blog

This is my first attempt at blogging.  Hope to have fun putting thoughts into words and do welcome folks to visit from time to time. Any comments, both positive or negative would be much appreciated. I am thick-skinned so don't hesitate to be critical! However, please keep in mind this is a learning experience for me, thus any and all assistance would be appreciated.
I am a senior lady living in Eastern Canada who enjoys gardening as well as travelling when time, health and funds permit. Maybe in time I will learn how to share many things with you that you might find enjoyable as well as sometimes provocative, giving cause to pause and consider. I am not a "deep" person, so there will be no profound thoughts or messages from me.
Again, Welcome to my Blog. Hope you will find things of interest that will see you returning. And, finally a most heartfelt "thank you" for taking your time to visit with me.
God bless, see you soon.