I sat by my husband's bedside rubbing his hand and arm for some four hours after his passing in really a state of shock as well as utter and complete disbelief. My husband had health issues for many years and I was his caregiver as well as his wife but never for one moment did I give any thought to him proceeding me in death. Everyone hears the story "the caregiver goes first". Well, that was my thinking and all my affairs had been put in order many years ago with this thought in mind. However, it is not we humans we control our "coming in or going out from" this world.....our Lord God makes that decision.
So, I now find myself here in this big wide world facing it all alone. And it is so empty and oh! so lonely. For 33 years of our almost 42 years of marriage, because of a life-altering illness, my husband and I were "joined at the hip", where you saw one, you saw the other, never one without the other. It is the "aloneness" that I find so difficult to try to cope with and the feeling of almost total disbelief that this is the way my life shall be until I leave this world. It is not a pleasant feeling, and never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you are close and loving with your partner, and made even more difficult since we didn't have any children and I am "alone"...such a forlorn feeling.
It is the "first" of everything after the passing of a loved one that is so very difficult to try to cope with. Well, since my hubby has been "called home", I have endured so far three first firsts, all within a period of some only five weeks....my husband's birthday, Christmas and then New Year's. Honestly, I don't think I can do any more at this time, but amazing as it might seems to one who does not have a strong religious faith, I got through all of them. I am not saying any were pleasant or fun-filled..by no means..they were all sad and lonely as I was here in our home with my thoughts, my memories of happier times over our many years together. I have been told on numerous occasions, I am a "strong" person, but even the strongest of us, does have a point beyond which we sometimes find ourselves going and the climb back out of that pit of despair can be a most difficult one and one you will find asking yourself from time to time "why bother". But, that is not the proper attitude for us, for me, to take. Each and every day we are on earth is precious and it is up to us to make our journey a worthwhile one, one not necessarily filled always with joy ..for myself always filled with memories, but one that can be rewarding to our fellow man..and when we feel useful either through volunteer projects aimed at helping others, then we gain a new direction and personally a new purpose, which gives us reason to go on, until our time is called.
That is what I am trying to do now.while at the same time grieving my beloved husband...trying to make sense of my life.
Neither myself nor my beloved were social butterflies, not interested in climbing the social ladder in our small community..but primarily spending our time together during our spring, summer and falls months working in the too many gardens I have now determined I have created over our years, shopping together, travelling a lot in recent years and just enjoying each other's company. My husband was a kind, gentle and caring man who had great compassion and love of children and those less fortunate. He was great buddies with a young fellow next door who had spina bifida and this young lad and my husband were the best of friends...there was an innocence about both of them that brought them together. Regretfully, our young friend lost his life's battle about 18 months prior to my husband loosing his and I am hoping they are once again connecting in heaven.
Death is not something to be feared, especially if you are a person of strong faith, as I am...but in spite of my faith, it is cold comfort when I just want to hear my Gordie's voice....one more time.. But alas that shall never be.
I shall continue walking this lonely road of being a widow (my gosh, that is a horrible word) alone....with my strength drawn from God, through whom all things are possible. I am learning there is a great difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". At times, I am experiencing both of these emotions, at others, it is only the aloneness that I mind. But, as crazy as it might sound, I do talk to my Gordie..to his picture..quite often during a day..the night...some will say I have lost my marbles,others with know the comfort it brings, and others will simply wonder.
It is now January 2, 2o11 and I am starting a new life's journey into this new year...a journey alone with no definite goal in sight. That is what can sometimes be rather disturbing especially for one has always had their future pretty much set out before them as I pretty much did throughout my years, knowing where I was going and how I would get there. But no more...my GPS won't help me on this journey into the unknown. What surprises will 2011 bring...with they be ones for me to welcome, or to shy away from. They is so much uncertainty...my mind is so cluttered...where do I go next. Just take one day at a time, and try to get through that. No long range plans at the present time, although have friends from Florida, California and Japan, and Morocco who all want me to travel to visit them in the upcoming year or so. Do I have the courage to do so...only time will tell. Will this veil of sorrow lift...will I learn to accept wholehearted my lot in life or will I be buckled under by it, right now I don't know. And I don't know what type of person will be resurrected from these ruins of sorrow and loneliness. I hope I don't become a wallower in my own misery , but so much want to be a contributing member of society in some way. Am retired from the work force, but so many organizations are crying for volunteers, believe that is where I will find my niche.
Please wish me luck in my journey of discovery to find the new but hopefully not too greatly changed Bev......a Bev. who has endured heartache..but has come through this experience stronger, wiser and focused.
Blessings one and all..and wishes for a healthy and blessed new year.
Hopefully, it won't be so long next time between postings.
"Where Nobody Stands Alone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFMBMp5QxQ&feature=related
