Dear Gordie, my Love: It is now one year ago today, November 23, 2010, that our Lord called you "home", leaving me here to travel alone the unknown and, at times, frightening road into the future. Oh! I miss you so very much, feel so empty without you, without purpose, without spirit, without heart and can't seem to find my way. You might find this difficult to believe since I was always the "strong" one, your defender and your protector from our sometimes harsh and cruel world, not so much the world, as its people, but when you "received your call" you took so much of me with you...my strength, my will, my desire, my courage and my fight! With you and for you, I could do and would do anything, as you well know, my Love. Sometimes, yes, you wondered at me, but all I did was for you, for us, because I thought you and I would be walking together into the sunset for many more years. I wasn't ready or the least bit prepared for your sudden "departure", Sweetheart. Although you are no longer within view of my eyes, I see you everywhere.. in our yard, in our home..sitting at the kitchen table, playing your games of solitaire and watching your favourite programs on the kitchen TV. (You were always more comfortable in the kitchen...close to the coffee pot, weren't you..lol?) Dear, the TV is still there, hasn't failed yet, although seldom have it on...only while eating my evening meal, alone, and simply for company. I am sitting in your chair for this meal and looking into our TV room where I have your picture prominently displayed so when in the kitchen, I can see you at all times and talk with you so often throughout every day and night. We have some good conversations, all be it, one sided but I am sure you are listening, hearing me and at times smiling your engaging smile that the photographer captured so well when he took our pictures for the Church booklet. I miss you so much, my Love, that for the past year can't say I have been "living" but merely existing, doing only what really has to be done but very little else. Just don't have and can't muster up any spirit or desire to continue on, but know I must. Am trying to get myself involved again with our church committees, you remember..the usual Finance and Bible Study. Melvin is leading our Bible Study and it is still being held at 5:00PM on Tuesday...you remember, that wasn't my favourite time. Melvin is very good and he told me the other evening on our way out, after asking how I am getting along without you, how much he liked you from the very first time of our meeting. Made me feel good but those, and so many more, are the wonderful comments I have been receiving about you all these past months from so many, many people, some of whom didn't know us all that well, even to store clerks, (like at Price Chopper, which has since been closed, Zellers, as well as Michael's) . They all so well understand why I am missing you so much...my feeling of not just loneliness but of "aloneness", because you, my Love, you were always with me, we were always together - not just "a couple" but "partners for life"...even these "strangers" knew that, could see how close we were....where one was, so was the other. Guess you know that young Josh from up the street offered to help me with the yard work this past summer, and I was very thankful, as was he to earn some money for himself over the summer months. Definitely didn't buy much in the way of flowers this past summer, you will be glad to know (my heart wasn't in it)..but imagine you are wishing I had stopped buying and planting several years ago. Don't think I will ever use the large cast iron pedestal flower pots or the two cement benches ever again....the flower pots I could handle with the dolly, but not the cement benches. Guess in time I will consider selling them which will give a little more room in the garage. These are just thoughts, I might never act on them. Ron can take care of disposing of everything when I join you, my Love...be it sooner or later...whenever. Also, if you can see our yard, you will notice I had George from Andrew's Landscaping do a lot of pruning and trimming of the trees and shrubs in the yard. Told him to "slaughter" as much as possible, that would still still allow the trees and shrubs to come back again next summer. I gave him free rein and told him to "get rid of all he could" and he did. Am very glad too, to be honest. Hope you can see the red maple on the front lawn and flowering crab on the right....cut many lower branches off, took them way up the stalk, so mowing is now much easier underneath..I can even do it on the lawn tractor...remember, I used to almost hang myself trying to get as close as possible so you wouldn't have as much hand mowing to do. Well, now, you would be so pleased...you would be smiling. Oh yes, and the two blue spruce next to the breezeway, had then pruned way up so far I can almost walk beneath them....although I am getting shorter by the day..lol The two cedars at our front door are really pruned down quite low in comparison to the way I kept them over the years, but will be good since not as much snow will be collecting on them and then unto the front step and walkway during our winters (hopefully less snow for me to shovel), and as well as the two yews at our back door, which you and I used to do ourselves, but this year, without you to hold the ladder, was too nervous to try it by myself.....know you don't want to see me quite yet! George did a really great job in the back yard as well. Together with all the pruning, had him cut down the pine tree you and I talked about my doing last year, so it is now gone. Have been thinking of all the holes you dug over the years for the many trees and shrubs I was so "addicted" to planting....gracious, almost impossible to believe so many, my Sweetheart, the "tree/shrub hole digger". We did hit some doozy rocks while digging, didn't we, Love? Also, had the driveway repaved because I was very nervous of that blue spruce tree root that has been heading toward the basement wall these past few years. Guess I could have managed another year or perhaps two without damage, but the root was heading downward...so don't have that worry any more. If the blue spruce dies, well, it dies. The fellows told me they felt the it would definitely survive., if it does, all well and good...if it does, well, will have it cut down....the cement basement wall was my main concern. All our shrubs bloomed very nicely this past summer, as usual but didn't bother with many pictures....took them in previously years to share with you, my Love, so we could compare from year to year..not so this year. Life, or so-called life, is not the same without you, Gordie and won't be until we are together again...be it soon or not for a while...but one day. Cooler temperatures are setting in now...winter is just around the corner, had a sprinkling of flurries Friday night past, and might get some today if predictions follow through but don't have any concerns about the driveway. Jamie will continue to plow it again this year...made arrangements when I paid him in the spring. There are several friends who have joined you, my Love, am thinking of Louie, in particular, as I write this. Guess Louie is enjoying himself and with his usual kidding, brought a lot of joy and laughter upon his arrival...or maybe he didn't make it..lol..you know what I mean! My Love, I had a really, really rough past weekend, missing you so much, as always, but was remembering your last Saturday afternoon walk down our driveway, your chill afterward but never for a moment did I think within three days I would become your widow..no longer your wife, although I will always be "Gordie's wife" in my heart and to so many people who knew you first and then me, because of you.My Love, just wanted to write you this message to tell you how much I am missing you, and to ask you, together with our Lord, to give me the strength and desire to walk this solo journey I am now on, for however long it might be, until you and I are re-united again. Here is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (know you love choirs) singing "God be With You Until We Meet Again....that is my faith and my desire, my Dear. And, Gordie, ..I can't leave without a favourite of both of us...always Elvis... You Will Never Walk Alone Gordie, I feel your presence with me all the time, everywhere I am, everywhere I go..always. Please don't ever leave my side, Dear, I need you and one day we shall walk together hand in hand in Paradise. Love and miss you so, but know you are always in my heart, Sweetheart. In your death, we became separated from each other's physical presence, but never from my heart or my memories...memories that are keeping me going. Love you forever, Gordie....Bev., always your wife. |
Bev.'s Roses Still Blooming
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Gordie, my Love...It is now one year ago today
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Time is passing and life must go on
It has been many months since I have felt in anyway comfortable to write down my thoughts, although there have been many, both positive and negative that have flowed through my mind since my last writing.
Winter, cold and snowy has come and gone - I survived, barely. Spring, very wet and cold, came and left, leaving me in an even greater pit of despair as during the dark and lonely months of winter. Summer arrived, but did not bring with it the joy I always experienced in years past when my husband, Gordie, and I would be looking forward to getting our lawn and gardens in order for the coming months (after having the mowers, etc.serviced) and me going around to all the garden shops looking for more shrubs or flowers to buy and plant. But, not this year...no desire at all. Shrubs and flowers didn't matter, couldn't seem to find the "beauty" in anything.
I did only what had to be done, the bare necessities of lawn and garden care....because I just couldn't muster up the desire, which definitely was not there. Even while riding around on my lawn tractor cutting the grass, my mind was continuously wandering back to our summers past and our working together. On more than one occasion, tears would be blocking my vision, thinking, remembering, and realizing I would be alone doing these chores into the foreseeable future, as long as I stayed in my home, but that is a decision for another day.
One doesn't realize what loneliness, emptiness, and "alone-ness" truly means until you are faced with it yourself, especially when a couple are as close as my Gordie and I for so many years. It is not pleasant and an emotion I never gave any thought to my having to face, since it was my general health that was and is worse than my Gordie's...thus my always thinking I would leave my earthly home, first. But our Lord had His plans and He judged that I would be sufficiently strong to take this weight of loss and alone-ness upon my shoulders and not be bent under this heavy and, at times, unbearable load. I haven't yet determined God's thinking of me in such light, but His decision as to "who goes first", I must accept even if I don't understand...one day, I will.
As I presently write these few words, it is mid-October...I have mowed the grass for what, I feel, will be the last time this season, done some cleaning up in our gardens, but since we have had an unusually mild fall, the leaves are still on the many trees on my property, and am waiting for them to leave their beautiful home on the tree branches, then "blow" them into piles and get them ready for the recycling bin...over a period of weeks since the bin is not sufficiently large to take them all, and don't have my Gordie to "push" them down, just so I can get "just one more armful" into the bin. I can see my Gordie looking at me with that little smile on his face, and thinking to himself..."she is crazy...there are several more weeks before the snow arrives!!"...lol
All these recent days and nights, I am thinking ahead to the date of November 23rd and how am I going to be able to cope...will I hold together, or fall completely to pieces. That date will be the first anniversary of my dear husband's death in 2010, the day at 8:15AM I became a widow, which to me, in my circumstance, means "alone".
The year 2011 has been one I truthfully didn't think, back at the beginning, that I would be able to get through. You can't with one sudden and swift "cut" remove someone who was by your side as my husband, my best buddy and faithful, trusting friend of almost 42 years, without having a dramatic effect, a terrible loss as if part of myself is missing. In fact, it was!!!
I went through a very deep depressive state during our winter months, having to really "push" myself to even pick up groceries (thank goodness I had plenty of food in my home) or medications so there were perhaps three and four weeks between shopping trips...and then only for necessities. Get back home quickly where I felt such a "closeness" to my husband that I didn't want to be away for any length of time. I found my home to provide me with the "safety" I was craving as well as where I could shed my tears in private. I isolated myself as much as possible from all friends and family...I wanted time alone with my wonderful memories of my Gordie and I didn't want anyone or anything to interfere with my "peace".
I am slowly coming out of this state, knowing I "have" to....life must go on...but there are times I wonder "why" and "for what". I have no one...no children, no sisters, no brothers To date, our Lord hasn't "told" or guided me toward what He wants me to do for the rest of my earthly days. Have returned to my "church" family (couldn't even do that for several months) where they all know "my story", where I feel comfortable and I don't have to explain anything and am volunteering as well in a limited capacity...slowly getting back into the swing of my church life...and that is where I do find some comfort.
What is going to happen over the next few weeks, I honestly don't know. I am treading lightly into this time...kind of fearful but at the same time certain God will walk with me as He has been these past months.
God Bless, one and all.
Winter, cold and snowy has come and gone - I survived, barely. Spring, very wet and cold, came and left, leaving me in an even greater pit of despair as during the dark and lonely months of winter. Summer arrived, but did not bring with it the joy I always experienced in years past when my husband, Gordie, and I would be looking forward to getting our lawn and gardens in order for the coming months (after having the mowers, etc.serviced) and me going around to all the garden shops looking for more shrubs or flowers to buy and plant. But, not this year...no desire at all. Shrubs and flowers didn't matter, couldn't seem to find the "beauty" in anything.
I did only what had to be done, the bare necessities of lawn and garden care....because I just couldn't muster up the desire, which definitely was not there. Even while riding around on my lawn tractor cutting the grass, my mind was continuously wandering back to our summers past and our working together. On more than one occasion, tears would be blocking my vision, thinking, remembering, and realizing I would be alone doing these chores into the foreseeable future, as long as I stayed in my home, but that is a decision for another day.
One doesn't realize what loneliness, emptiness, and "alone-ness" truly means until you are faced with it yourself, especially when a couple are as close as my Gordie and I for so many years. It is not pleasant and an emotion I never gave any thought to my having to face, since it was my general health that was and is worse than my Gordie's...thus my always thinking I would leave my earthly home, first. But our Lord had His plans and He judged that I would be sufficiently strong to take this weight of loss and alone-ness upon my shoulders and not be bent under this heavy and, at times, unbearable load. I haven't yet determined God's thinking of me in such light, but His decision as to "who goes first", I must accept even if I don't understand...one day, I will.
As I presently write these few words, it is mid-October...I have mowed the grass for what, I feel, will be the last time this season, done some cleaning up in our gardens, but since we have had an unusually mild fall, the leaves are still on the many trees on my property, and am waiting for them to leave their beautiful home on the tree branches, then "blow" them into piles and get them ready for the recycling bin...over a period of weeks since the bin is not sufficiently large to take them all, and don't have my Gordie to "push" them down, just so I can get "just one more armful" into the bin. I can see my Gordie looking at me with that little smile on his face, and thinking to himself..."she is crazy...there are several more weeks before the snow arrives!!"...lol
The year 2011 has been one I truthfully didn't think, back at the beginning, that I would be able to get through. You can't with one sudden and swift "cut" remove someone who was by your side as my husband, my best buddy and faithful, trusting friend of almost 42 years, without having a dramatic effect, a terrible loss as if part of myself is missing. In fact, it was!!!
I went through a very deep depressive state during our winter months, having to really "push" myself to even pick up groceries (thank goodness I had plenty of food in my home) or medications so there were perhaps three and four weeks between shopping trips...and then only for necessities. Get back home quickly where I felt such a "closeness" to my husband that I didn't want to be away for any length of time. I found my home to provide me with the "safety" I was craving as well as where I could shed my tears in private. I isolated myself as much as possible from all friends and family...I wanted time alone with my wonderful memories of my Gordie and I didn't want anyone or anything to interfere with my "peace".
I am slowly coming out of this state, knowing I "have" to....life must go on...but there are times I wonder "why" and "for what". I have no one...no children, no sisters, no brothers To date, our Lord hasn't "told" or guided me toward what He wants me to do for the rest of my earthly days. Have returned to my "church" family (couldn't even do that for several months) where they all know "my story", where I feel comfortable and I don't have to explain anything and am volunteering as well in a limited capacity...slowly getting back into the swing of my church life...and that is where I do find some comfort.
What is going to happen over the next few weeks, I honestly don't know. I am treading lightly into this time...kind of fearful but at the same time certain God will walk with me as He has been these past months.
God Bless, one and all.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Dramatic Life Changes For Me
It has been quite some time since I have posted to my blog because on November 23, 2010 my life took a sudden, dramatic and shocking change for the worse..in a matter of seconds, I went from being a loving and caring wife to a widow. Yes, my husband and life's partner suddenly passed away in hospital where I had taken him by ambulance just the previous day. Although there were some health issues, his passing was not expected by any of the doctors or specialists who were treating him. I took little comfort from the specialist word's..."I am so very sorry." but what more can they say. These were words I never expected to hear and definitely not at this time.
I sat by my husband's bedside rubbing his hand and arm for some four hours after his passing in really a state of shock as well as utter and complete disbelief. My husband had health issues for many years and I was his caregiver as well as his wife but never for one moment did I give any thought to him proceeding me in death. Everyone hears the story "the caregiver goes first". Well, that was my thinking and all my affairs had been put in order many years ago with this thought in mind. However, it is not we humans we control our "coming in or going out from" this world.....our Lord God makes that decision.
So, I now find myself here in this big wide world facing it all alone. And it is so empty and oh! so lonely. For 33 years of our almost 42 years of marriage, because of a life-altering illness, my husband and I were "joined at the hip", where you saw one, you saw the other, never one without the other. It is the "aloneness" that I find so difficult to try to cope with and the feeling of almost total disbelief that this is the way my life shall be until I leave this world. It is not a pleasant feeling, and never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you are close and loving with your partner, and made even more difficult since we didn't have any children and I am "alone"...such a forlorn feeling.
It is the "first" of everything after the passing of a loved one that is so very difficult to try to cope with. Well, since my hubby has been "called home", I have endured so far three first firsts, all within a period of some only five weeks....my husband's birthday, Christmas and then New Year's. Honestly, I don't think I can do any more at this time, but amazing as it might seems to one who does not have a strong religious faith, I got through all of them. I am not saying any were pleasant or fun-filled..by no means..they were all sad and lonely as I was here in our home with my thoughts, my memories of happier times over our many years together. I have been told on numerous occasions, I am a "strong" person, but even the strongest of us, does have a point beyond which we sometimes find ourselves going and the climb back out of that pit of despair can be a most difficult one and one you will find asking yourself from time to time "why bother". But, that is not the proper attitude for us, for me, to take. Each and every day we are on earth is precious and it is up to us to make our journey a worthwhile one, one not necessarily filled always with joy ..for myself always filled with memories, but one that can be rewarding to our fellow man..and when we feel useful either through volunteer projects aimed at helping others, then we gain a new direction and personally a new purpose, which gives us reason to go on, until our time is called.
That is what I am trying to do now.while at the same time grieving my beloved husband...trying to make sense of my life.
Neither myself nor my beloved were social butterflies, not interested in climbing the social ladder in our small community..but primarily spending our time together during our spring, summer and falls months working in the too many gardens I have now determined I have created over our years, shopping together, travelling a lot in recent years and just enjoying each other's company. My husband was a kind, gentle and caring man who had great compassion and love of children and those less fortunate. He was great buddies with a young fellow next door who had spina bifida and this young lad and my husband were the best of friends...there was an innocence about both of them that brought them together. Regretfully, our young friend lost his life's battle about 18 months prior to my husband loosing his and I am hoping they are once again connecting in heaven.
Death is not something to be feared, especially if you are a person of strong faith, as I am...but in spite of my faith, it is cold comfort when I just want to hear my Gordie's voice....one more time.. But alas that shall never be.
I shall continue walking this lonely road of being a widow (my gosh, that is a horrible word) alone....with my strength drawn from God, through whom all things are possible. I am learning there is a great difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". At times, I am experiencing both of these emotions, at others, it is only the aloneness that I mind. But, as crazy as it might sound, I do talk to my Gordie..to his picture..quite often during a day..the night...some will say I have lost my marbles,others with know the comfort it brings, and others will simply wonder.
It is now January 2, 2o11 and I am starting a new life's journey into this new year...a journey alone with no definite goal in sight. That is what can sometimes be rather disturbing especially for one has always had their future pretty much set out before them as I pretty much did throughout my years, knowing where I was going and how I would get there. But no more...my GPS won't help me on this journey into the unknown. What surprises will 2011 bring...with they be ones for me to welcome, or to shy away from. They is so much uncertainty...my mind is so cluttered...where do I go next. Just take one day at a time, and try to get through that. No long range plans at the present time, although have friends from Florida, California and Japan, and Morocco who all want me to travel to visit them in the upcoming year or so. Do I have the courage to do so...only time will tell. Will this veil of sorrow lift...will I learn to accept wholehearted my lot in life or will I be buckled under by it, right now I don't know. And I don't know what type of person will be resurrected from these ruins of sorrow and loneliness. I hope I don't become a wallower in my own misery , but so much want to be a contributing member of society in some way. Am retired from the work force, but so many organizations are crying for volunteers, believe that is where I will find my niche.
Please wish me luck in my journey of discovery to find the new but hopefully not too greatly changed Bev......a Bev. who has endured heartache..but has come through this experience stronger, wiser and focused.
Blessings one and all..and wishes for a healthy and blessed new year.
Hopefully, it won't be so long next time between postings.
"Where Nobody Stands Alone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFMBMp5QxQ&feature=related
I sat by my husband's bedside rubbing his hand and arm for some four hours after his passing in really a state of shock as well as utter and complete disbelief. My husband had health issues for many years and I was his caregiver as well as his wife but never for one moment did I give any thought to him proceeding me in death. Everyone hears the story "the caregiver goes first". Well, that was my thinking and all my affairs had been put in order many years ago with this thought in mind. However, it is not we humans we control our "coming in or going out from" this world.....our Lord God makes that decision.
So, I now find myself here in this big wide world facing it all alone. And it is so empty and oh! so lonely. For 33 years of our almost 42 years of marriage, because of a life-altering illness, my husband and I were "joined at the hip", where you saw one, you saw the other, never one without the other. It is the "aloneness" that I find so difficult to try to cope with and the feeling of almost total disbelief that this is the way my life shall be until I leave this world. It is not a pleasant feeling, and never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you are close and loving with your partner, and made even more difficult since we didn't have any children and I am "alone"...such a forlorn feeling.
It is the "first" of everything after the passing of a loved one that is so very difficult to try to cope with. Well, since my hubby has been "called home", I have endured so far three first firsts, all within a period of some only five weeks....my husband's birthday, Christmas and then New Year's. Honestly, I don't think I can do any more at this time, but amazing as it might seems to one who does not have a strong religious faith, I got through all of them. I am not saying any were pleasant or fun-filled..by no means..they were all sad and lonely as I was here in our home with my thoughts, my memories of happier times over our many years together. I have been told on numerous occasions, I am a "strong" person, but even the strongest of us, does have a point beyond which we sometimes find ourselves going and the climb back out of that pit of despair can be a most difficult one and one you will find asking yourself from time to time "why bother". But, that is not the proper attitude for us, for me, to take. Each and every day we are on earth is precious and it is up to us to make our journey a worthwhile one, one not necessarily filled always with joy ..for myself always filled with memories, but one that can be rewarding to our fellow man..and when we feel useful either through volunteer projects aimed at helping others, then we gain a new direction and personally a new purpose, which gives us reason to go on, until our time is called.
That is what I am trying to do now.while at the same time grieving my beloved husband...trying to make sense of my life.
Neither myself nor my beloved were social butterflies, not interested in climbing the social ladder in our small community..but primarily spending our time together during our spring, summer and falls months working in the too many gardens I have now determined I have created over our years, shopping together, travelling a lot in recent years and just enjoying each other's company. My husband was a kind, gentle and caring man who had great compassion and love of children and those less fortunate. He was great buddies with a young fellow next door who had spina bifida and this young lad and my husband were the best of friends...there was an innocence about both of them that brought them together. Regretfully, our young friend lost his life's battle about 18 months prior to my husband loosing his and I am hoping they are once again connecting in heaven.
Death is not something to be feared, especially if you are a person of strong faith, as I am...but in spite of my faith, it is cold comfort when I just want to hear my Gordie's voice....one more time.. But alas that shall never be.
I shall continue walking this lonely road of being a widow (my gosh, that is a horrible word) alone....with my strength drawn from God, through whom all things are possible. I am learning there is a great difference between being "alone" and being "lonely". At times, I am experiencing both of these emotions, at others, it is only the aloneness that I mind. But, as crazy as it might sound, I do talk to my Gordie..to his picture..quite often during a day..the night...some will say I have lost my marbles,others with know the comfort it brings, and others will simply wonder.
It is now January 2, 2o11 and I am starting a new life's journey into this new year...a journey alone with no definite goal in sight. That is what can sometimes be rather disturbing especially for one has always had their future pretty much set out before them as I pretty much did throughout my years, knowing where I was going and how I would get there. But no more...my GPS won't help me on this journey into the unknown. What surprises will 2011 bring...with they be ones for me to welcome, or to shy away from. They is so much uncertainty...my mind is so cluttered...where do I go next. Just take one day at a time, and try to get through that. No long range plans at the present time, although have friends from Florida, California and Japan, and Morocco who all want me to travel to visit them in the upcoming year or so. Do I have the courage to do so...only time will tell. Will this veil of sorrow lift...will I learn to accept wholehearted my lot in life or will I be buckled under by it, right now I don't know. And I don't know what type of person will be resurrected from these ruins of sorrow and loneliness. I hope I don't become a wallower in my own misery , but so much want to be a contributing member of society in some way. Am retired from the work force, but so many organizations are crying for volunteers, believe that is where I will find my niche.
Please wish me luck in my journey of discovery to find the new but hopefully not too greatly changed Bev......a Bev. who has endured heartache..but has come through this experience stronger, wiser and focused.
Blessings one and all..and wishes for a healthy and blessed new year.
Hopefully, it won't be so long next time between postings.
"Where Nobody Stands Alone."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFMBMp5QxQ&feature=related
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