Dear Gordie, my Love: It is now one year ago today, November 23, 2010, that our Lord called you "home", leaving me here to travel alone the unknown and, at times, frightening road into the future. Oh! I miss you so very much, feel so empty without you, without purpose, without spirit, without heart and can't seem to find my way. You might find this difficult to believe since I was always the "strong" one, your defender and your protector from our sometimes harsh and cruel world, not so much the world, as its people, but when you "received your call" you took so much of me with you...my strength, my will, my desire, my courage and my fight! With you and for you, I could do and would do anything, as you well know, my Love. Sometimes, yes, you wondered at me, but all I did was for you, for us, because I thought you and I would be walking together into the sunset for many more years. I wasn't ready or the least bit prepared for your sudden "departure", Sweetheart. Although you are no longer within view of my eyes, I see you everywhere.. in our yard, in our home..sitting at the kitchen table, playing your games of solitaire and watching your favourite programs on the kitchen TV. (You were always more comfortable in the kitchen...close to the coffee pot, weren't you..lol?) Dear, the TV is still there, hasn't failed yet, although seldom have it on...only while eating my evening meal, alone, and simply for company. I am sitting in your chair for this meal and looking into our TV room where I have your picture prominently displayed so when in the kitchen, I can see you at all times and talk with you so often throughout every day and night. We have some good conversations, all be it, one sided but I am sure you are listening, hearing me and at times smiling your engaging smile that the photographer captured so well when he took our pictures for the Church booklet. I miss you so much, my Love, that for the past year can't say I have been "living" but merely existing, doing only what really has to be done but very little else. Just don't have and can't muster up any spirit or desire to continue on, but know I must. Am trying to get myself involved again with our church committees, you remember..the usual Finance and Bible Study. Melvin is leading our Bible Study and it is still being held at 5:00PM on Tuesday...you remember, that wasn't my favourite time. Melvin is very good and he told me the other evening on our way out, after asking how I am getting along without you, how much he liked you from the very first time of our meeting. Made me feel good but those, and so many more, are the wonderful comments I have been receiving about you all these past months from so many, many people, some of whom didn't know us all that well, even to store clerks, (like at Price Chopper, which has since been closed, Zellers, as well as Michael's) . They all so well understand why I am missing you so much...my feeling of not just loneliness but of "aloneness", because you, my Love, you were always with me, we were always together - not just "a couple" but "partners for life"...even these "strangers" knew that, could see how close we were....where one was, so was the other. Guess you know that young Josh from up the street offered to help me with the yard work this past summer, and I was very thankful, as was he to earn some money for himself over the summer months. Definitely didn't buy much in the way of flowers this past summer, you will be glad to know (my heart wasn't in it)..but imagine you are wishing I had stopped buying and planting several years ago. Don't think I will ever use the large cast iron pedestal flower pots or the two cement benches ever again....the flower pots I could handle with the dolly, but not the cement benches. Guess in time I will consider selling them which will give a little more room in the garage. These are just thoughts, I might never act on them. Ron can take care of disposing of everything when I join you, my Love...be it sooner or later...whenever. Also, if you can see our yard, you will notice I had George from Andrew's Landscaping do a lot of pruning and trimming of the trees and shrubs in the yard. Told him to "slaughter" as much as possible, that would still still allow the trees and shrubs to come back again next summer. I gave him free rein and told him to "get rid of all he could" and he did. Am very glad too, to be honest. Hope you can see the red maple on the front lawn and flowering crab on the right....cut many lower branches off, took them way up the stalk, so mowing is now much easier underneath..I can even do it on the lawn tractor...remember, I used to almost hang myself trying to get as close as possible so you wouldn't have as much hand mowing to do. Well, now, you would be so pleased...you would be smiling. Oh yes, and the two blue spruce next to the breezeway, had then pruned way up so far I can almost walk beneath them....although I am getting shorter by the day..lol The two cedars at our front door are really pruned down quite low in comparison to the way I kept them over the years, but will be good since not as much snow will be collecting on them and then unto the front step and walkway during our winters (hopefully less snow for me to shovel), and as well as the two yews at our back door, which you and I used to do ourselves, but this year, without you to hold the ladder, was too nervous to try it by myself.....know you don't want to see me quite yet! George did a really great job in the back yard as well. Together with all the pruning, had him cut down the pine tree you and I talked about my doing last year, so it is now gone. Have been thinking of all the holes you dug over the years for the many trees and shrubs I was so "addicted" to planting....gracious, almost impossible to believe so many, my Sweetheart, the "tree/shrub hole digger". We did hit some doozy rocks while digging, didn't we, Love? Also, had the driveway repaved because I was very nervous of that blue spruce tree root that has been heading toward the basement wall these past few years. Guess I could have managed another year or perhaps two without damage, but the root was heading downward...so don't have that worry any more. If the blue spruce dies, well, it dies. The fellows told me they felt the it would definitely survive., if it does, all well and good...if it does, well, will have it cut down....the cement basement wall was my main concern. All our shrubs bloomed very nicely this past summer, as usual but didn't bother with many pictures....took them in previously years to share with you, my Love, so we could compare from year to year..not so this year. Life, or so-called life, is not the same without you, Gordie and won't be until we are together again...be it soon or not for a while...but one day. Cooler temperatures are setting in now...winter is just around the corner, had a sprinkling of flurries Friday night past, and might get some today if predictions follow through but don't have any concerns about the driveway. Jamie will continue to plow it again this year...made arrangements when I paid him in the spring. There are several friends who have joined you, my Love, am thinking of Louie, in particular, as I write this. Guess Louie is enjoying himself and with his usual kidding, brought a lot of joy and laughter upon his arrival...or maybe he didn't make it..lol..you know what I mean! My Love, I had a really, really rough past weekend, missing you so much, as always, but was remembering your last Saturday afternoon walk down our driveway, your chill afterward but never for a moment did I think within three days I would become your widow..no longer your wife, although I will always be "Gordie's wife" in my heart and to so many people who knew you first and then me, because of you.My Love, just wanted to write you this message to tell you how much I am missing you, and to ask you, together with our Lord, to give me the strength and desire to walk this solo journey I am now on, for however long it might be, until you and I are re-united again. Here is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (know you love choirs) singing "God be With You Until We Meet Again....that is my faith and my desire, my Dear. And, Gordie, ..I can't leave without a favourite of both of us...always Elvis... You Will Never Walk Alone Gordie, I feel your presence with me all the time, everywhere I am, everywhere I go..always. Please don't ever leave my side, Dear, I need you and one day we shall walk together hand in hand in Paradise. Love and miss you so, but know you are always in my heart, Sweetheart. In your death, we became separated from each other's physical presence, but never from my heart or my memories...memories that are keeping me going. Love you forever, Gordie....Bev., always your wife. |
Bev.'s Roses Still Blooming
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Gordie, my Love...It is now one year ago today
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