Time is passing and life must go on

It has been many months since I have felt in anyway comfortable to write down my thoughts, although there have been many, both positive and negative that have flowed through my mind since my last writing.
Winter, cold and snowy has come and gone - I survived, barely. Spring, very wet and cold, came and left, leaving me in an even greater pit of despair as during the dark and lonely months of winter. Summer arrived, but did not bring with it the joy I always experienced in years past when my husband, Gordie, and I would be looking forward to getting our lawn and gardens in order for the coming months (after having the mowers, etc.serviced) and me going around to all the garden shops looking for more shrubs or flowers to buy and plant. But, not this year...no desire at all. Shrubs and flowers didn't matter, couldn't seem to find the "beauty" in anything.
I did only what had to be done, the bare necessities of lawn and garden care....because I just couldn't muster up the desire, which definitely was not there. Even while riding around on my lawn tractor cutting the grass, my mind was continuously wandering back to our summers past and our working together. On more than one occasion, tears would be blocking my vision, thinking, remembering, and realizing I would be alone doing these chores into the foreseeable future, as long as I stayed in my home, but that is a decision for another day.
 One doesn't realize what loneliness, emptiness, and "alone-ness" truly means until you are faced with it yourself, especially when a couple are as close as my Gordie and I for so many years. It is not pleasant and an emotion I never gave any thought to my having to face, since it was my general health that was and is worse than my Gordie's...thus my always thinking I would leave my earthly home, first. But our Lord had His plans and He judged that I would be sufficiently strong to take this weight of loss and alone-ness upon my shoulders and not be bent under this heavy and, at times, unbearable load. I haven't yet determined God's thinking of me in such light, but His decision as to "who goes first",  I must accept even if I don't understand...one day, I will.
As I presently write these few words, it is mid-October...I have mowed the grass for what, I feel, will be the last time this season, done some cleaning up in our gardens, but since we have had an unusually mild fall, the leaves are still on the many trees on my property, and am waiting for them to leave their beautiful home on the tree branches, then "blow" them into piles and get them ready for the recycling bin...over a period of weeks since the bin is not sufficiently large to take them all, and don't have my Gordie to "push" them down, just so I can get "just one more armful" into the bin. I can see my Gordie looking at me with that little smile on his face, and thinking to himself..."she is crazy...there are several more weeks before the snow arrives!!"...lol

All these recent days and nights, I am thinking ahead to the date of November 23rd and how am I going to be able to cope...will I hold together, or fall completely to pieces. That date will be the first anniversary of my dear husband's death in 2010, the day at 8:15AM I became a widow, which to me, in my circumstance, means "alone".
The year 2011 has been one I truthfully didn't think, back at the beginning, that I would be able to get through. You can't with one sudden and swift "cut" remove someone who was by your side as my husband, my best buddy and faithful, trusting friend of almost 42 years, without having a dramatic effect, a terrible loss as if part of myself is missing. In fact, it was!!!
I went through a very deep depressive state during our winter months, having to really "push" myself to even pick up groceries (thank goodness I had plenty of food in my home) or medications so there were perhaps three and four weeks between shopping trips...and then only for necessities. Get back home quickly where I felt such a "closeness" to my husband that I didn't want to be away for any length of time. I found my home to provide me with the "safety" I was craving as well as where I could shed my tears in private. I isolated myself as much as possible from all friends and family...I wanted time alone with my wonderful memories of my Gordie and I didn't want anyone or anything to interfere with my "peace".
I am slowly coming out of this state, knowing I "have" to....life must go on...but there are times I wonder "why" and "for what". I have no one...no children, no sisters, no brothers To date, our Lord hasn't "told" or guided me toward what He wants me to do for the rest of my earthly days. Have returned to my "church" family (couldn't even do that for several months) where they all know "my story", where I feel comfortable and I don't have to explain anything and am volunteering as well in a limited capacity...slowly getting back into the swing of my church life...and that is where I do find some comfort.
What is going to happen over the next few weeks, I honestly don't know. I am treading lightly into this time...kind of fearful but at the same time certain God will walk with me as He has been these past months.

God Bless, one and all.